I Left.

I sat alone in all my bridal glory in a suite in the Ritz Carlton Hotel. I could feel my heartbeat in my palms, and my breath back in my face because of the veil. I shivered, whether from nerves, excitement or fear i didnt know.

The thudding of footsteps outside the door told me it was almost time, and my heartbeat accelerated so that i could hear it drumming in my ears. They were happy footsteps, footsteps that told you their makers were expectant of a joyous happening. The footsteps brought with them a crescendo of the merry laughter of exhilarated children, that exploded on me as the door was flung open. The smiling faces of dearest family and friends crowded the doorway as they beckoned to me. It was time. The glorious ivory dress swished and rustled as it moved in rhythm with my steps. Surrounded by their animated eyes, well-meaning smiles and kind words anyone would have thought i was the happiest bride in the world.

I wasnt. I was terrified.

I walked with an unbroken gait, back straight, chin up, and smiled like how a bride on her most celebrated day should smile. The new shoes cut painfully into my feet with each step as i walked down the corridor. I refused to let the fear show on my face, but anyone who would have looked in my eyes would have seen it. A closer inspection would have revealed that my jaw was trembling. But the moment sparkled with festivity and crackled with excitement and no one noticed.

I couldnt do this. I couldnt. This was all a huge mistake. It should never have come to this, i thought, as we stopped in front of the ballroom's huge doors. A tiny bit too late now, stupid, said the small voice in my head. As the flower girls and bridesmaids took their positions, i felt someone take my wrist.

"Are you okay?" my best friend asked. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I just looked at her and saw the alarm when she looked into my eyes. The big doors opened. The air immediately felt thicker and i gasped for air.

"No," I told her.

The organ must have been playing because the flower girls were starting to walk down the aisle scattering white rose petals, and the people around were telling me go! vera you have to start walking now! I pulled my arm away and stepped unsteadily onto the carpet. This was nothing like the rehearsals. During the rehearsals there weren't multitudes of people smiling at you and clapping. There weren't flashbulbs trying to fry your retinas. There wasnt a man at the end of the aisle whom had to marry that very same afternoon. There wasnt this strong, unyielding urge to faint, or to pick up your skirts and run back in the direction you came, or throw up right there on the pretty red carpet.

The aisle wasnt as long as i remember it either because i arrived in front of my fiance sooner than i would have liked. It was too late. He took my hand, and when he did i remember my stomach twisting. It was cool and pudgy and slightly sticky, and it was at this precise moment when i realised i absolutely did not want to do this. He must have felt my apprehension because he squeezed my hand to encourage me, except it only served to irk me even more.

I did not love this man. That was the simple, the long, and the short. And i would be lying to myself, to him, to everyone present, and to God if i married him. The shock of the whole situation drowned out everything else, and all i could hear were my own thoughts that were pouring in a mile a minute, and the blood roaring in my ears. Could i do this to this man? He wasnt a bad person, treated me like a queen, held a good job and had good prospects. But i didnt love him. That was the whole point to all this ballyhoo wasnt it? To "celebrate love"?

I was jolted to earth by the minister's voice saying my name.

Vera do you take...

The entire congregation was waiting, and if walls had ears i'm sure they would have extended them. The silence and the anticipation made my skin creep and the air was crisp with the expectancy of the crowd. I swallowed to steady my nerves and looked him in the eyes. He knew.

"No," i said for the second time tonight. "I'm sorry."

I threw back my veil and strode back up the aisle. The congregation was reeling from the shock, women gasping, men muttering incredulously.They were calling my name so I looked straight ahead and quickened my pace. I did not think i could face anyone. Back in the room was where the impact of the situation hit me and i was reduced to a sobbing, heaving heap of wedding dress and tears on the floor. I had just betrayed that man's trust, left him at the altar and embarrassed him in front of everyone. Whether i loved him or not, he did not deserve this. I had to be evil! How would he face his family? How would i face his family? The whole affair was such a big, big mess.

And with those thoughts, i woke up to a bright, sunshiny morning in Bean's parent's house in California. Nicole was on the bed reading and Bean's keyboard was chattering. I wiped the tears i had actually cried from my face, and wondered if all that had been some sort of sign or prophesy.

And the weirdest thing was, i awoke to find i had quite enjoyed the whole affair. I shock myself sometimes.


This is what the dress would have looked like.