Judgement.

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over evil!

James 2:12-13

I'm always shaking after.

That Potter Boy.

He is the love of my life. And the bane of my existance.

Harry Potter.

The Long and Useless Questionaire.

As a weird sort of celebration for finishing my essay, i have decided to dig this questionnaire up from Bean's archives and waste some time.

I AM: Vera. Yang. Vera Yang.
I WANT: To go home, among many, many, many, many other things.
I HAVE: A great, big God. Too many clothes.
I WISH: Spring would come. That i was a genius.
I HATE: Injustice. Cleaning the toilet.
I MISS: My family. Singapore. Hokkien mee.
I FEAR: The ocean. The unknown.
I HEAR: A Hillsong song, and my leg hitting the table as i shake it.
I WONDER: What the future holds. I where i'd be if i didnt come to Canada.
I REGRET: Nothing.
I LOVE: Love.
I'M ALWAYS: Uh. Wearing underwear? No thats not true. I dont know. ooh. I'm always loved.
I DANCE: Out of rhythm.
I SING: A lot.
I CRY: To make myself feel better. When i imagine something sad happening. Like Baeng dying.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Selfless. Ah! Wearing underwear should come here. But then it sounds wrong.
I LOST: $500 to a Shanghainese con man in Dover Road.
I'M CONFUSED: About Physical Chem.
I NEED: Food. I'm hungry. And a bath.
I SHOULD: Bathe and go to bed but i refuse. Stop wasting money. Love people more.

Yes or No

You keep a diary: Yes. Not a blog either.
You like to cook: No. People cook for me. BAHAHA!
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: Of course. Yes.
You believe in love: Absolutely. I mean yes.
You want to get married: Yes, very much.
You think you're a health freak: No. Quite the opposite.
You get along with your parents: Yes, excellently most of the time.

Favourite

NUMBER(S): 7
COLORS: Black, red.
MONTHS: April for spring, June to August for summer and home, December for Christmas.
FOOD: To ask this of a Singaporean is just absurd.
SEASON: Spring.

Preferences

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: It really depends on what i feel like doing, doesnt it?
CHOCOLATE MILK OR VANILLA: Chocolate.
SUSHI OR FISH FILLET: Sushi. Cooked fish is sissified.
THE BEACH OR THE MALL: Uh oh. Too hard. Next!
DAY OR NIGHT: Day. I need light to grow.
CHRISTMAS OR CHINESE NEW YEAR/HARI RAYA: I like both equally.
GIFT OR $$: MUNNY!
LETTER OR E-MAIL: Letter.
THE PIANO OR THE GUITAR: The piano.
NIKE OR ADIDAS: Nike.
REEBOK OR CONVERSE: Converse. Reebok is not cool. What kind of name is Reebok??
ANIMALS OR PLANTS: Animals!
PHONE OR PERSON: Person.
HOME OR OUTSIDE: Outside. When not cold and rainy.
HOT OR COLD: Hothothot.

HAVE YOU
HELPED SOMEONE: Yes.
BOUGHT SOMETHING: Yes. Alot of things, in fact.
GOTTEN SICK: Yes.
GONE TO THE MOVIES: Yes. Latest one: Night at the Museum.
GONE OUT FOR DINNER: Yes.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: Yes.
TALKED TO AN EX: Yes.
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL: If a blog counts, yes.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK: Yes.
HUGGED SOMEONE: Yes.
PLAYED ANY GAMES ONLINE: NO.

A Bean Chronicle.

I get the Heebie Geebies every time i close a Word document, even after i've saved it. It's the sudden thought that maybe, just maybe, saving the document was a figment of my imagination and i've just lost my entire precious piece of work with that click of the mouse. Oh the paranoia. This is one of the many small moments of wide-eyed, self-induced worry i go through.

Yes, you guessed it. I've finished my essay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

In a fit of obsession, Bean "OCD" Tey has taken it upon herself to reach over to my computer through the long arms of the internet, to label all my songs in my computer to perfection. She redid to painful order, the folder of Jack Johnson songs i sent her and sent it back to me insisting that i delete my old, messy, grimy, ugly one and replace it with hers. NOW. Okay lor.

Now my Jack Johnson folder is free of blemish. And Bean remains funny as ever. I is loves yoo!

I Left.

I sat alone in all my bridal glory in a suite in the Ritz Carlton Hotel. I could feel my heartbeat in my palms, and my breath back in my face because of the veil. I shivered, whether from nerves, excitement or fear i didnt know.

The thudding of footsteps outside the door told me it was almost time, and my heartbeat accelerated so that i could hear it drumming in my ears. They were happy footsteps, footsteps that told you their makers were expectant of a joyous happening. The footsteps brought with them a crescendo of the merry laughter of exhilarated children, that exploded on me as the door was flung open. The smiling faces of dearest family and friends crowded the doorway as they beckoned to me. It was time. The glorious ivory dress swished and rustled as it moved in rhythm with my steps. Surrounded by their animated eyes, well-meaning smiles and kind words anyone would have thought i was the happiest bride in the world.

I wasnt. I was terrified.

I walked with an unbroken gait, back straight, chin up, and smiled like how a bride on her most celebrated day should smile. The new shoes cut painfully into my feet with each step as i walked down the corridor. I refused to let the fear show on my face, but anyone who would have looked in my eyes would have seen it. A closer inspection would have revealed that my jaw was trembling. But the moment sparkled with festivity and crackled with excitement and no one noticed.

I couldnt do this. I couldnt. This was all a huge mistake. It should never have come to this, i thought, as we stopped in front of the ballroom's huge doors. A tiny bit too late now, stupid, said the small voice in my head. As the flower girls and bridesmaids took their positions, i felt someone take my wrist.

"Are you okay?" my best friend asked. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I just looked at her and saw the alarm when she looked into my eyes. The big doors opened. The air immediately felt thicker and i gasped for air.

"No," I told her.

The organ must have been playing because the flower girls were starting to walk down the aisle scattering white rose petals, and the people around were telling me go! vera you have to start walking now! I pulled my arm away and stepped unsteadily onto the carpet. This was nothing like the rehearsals. During the rehearsals there weren't multitudes of people smiling at you and clapping. There weren't flashbulbs trying to fry your retinas. There wasnt a man at the end of the aisle whom had to marry that very same afternoon. There wasnt this strong, unyielding urge to faint, or to pick up your skirts and run back in the direction you came, or throw up right there on the pretty red carpet.

The aisle wasnt as long as i remember it either because i arrived in front of my fiance sooner than i would have liked. It was too late. He took my hand, and when he did i remember my stomach twisting. It was cool and pudgy and slightly sticky, and it was at this precise moment when i realised i absolutely did not want to do this. He must have felt my apprehension because he squeezed my hand to encourage me, except it only served to irk me even more.

I did not love this man. That was the simple, the long, and the short. And i would be lying to myself, to him, to everyone present, and to God if i married him. The shock of the whole situation drowned out everything else, and all i could hear were my own thoughts that were pouring in a mile a minute, and the blood roaring in my ears. Could i do this to this man? He wasnt a bad person, treated me like a queen, held a good job and had good prospects. But i didnt love him. That was the whole point to all this ballyhoo wasnt it? To "celebrate love"?

I was jolted to earth by the minister's voice saying my name.

Vera do you take...

The entire congregation was waiting, and if walls had ears i'm sure they would have extended them. The silence and the anticipation made my skin creep and the air was crisp with the expectancy of the crowd. I swallowed to steady my nerves and looked him in the eyes. He knew.

"No," i said for the second time tonight. "I'm sorry."

I threw back my veil and strode back up the aisle. The congregation was reeling from the shock, women gasping, men muttering incredulously.They were calling my name so I looked straight ahead and quickened my pace. I did not think i could face anyone. Back in the room was where the impact of the situation hit me and i was reduced to a sobbing, heaving heap of wedding dress and tears on the floor. I had just betrayed that man's trust, left him at the altar and embarrassed him in front of everyone. Whether i loved him or not, he did not deserve this. I had to be evil! How would he face his family? How would i face his family? The whole affair was such a big, big mess.

And with those thoughts, i woke up to a bright, sunshiny morning in Bean's parent's house in California. Nicole was on the bed reading and Bean's keyboard was chattering. I wiped the tears i had actually cried from my face, and wondered if all that had been some sort of sign or prophesy.

And the weirdest thing was, i awoke to find i had quite enjoyed the whole affair. I shock myself sometimes.


This is what the dress would have looked like.

Damn i miss home.

Eating an essay after writing... cup... noodles........ is.......... not............. a................. good......................idea................................... zzzzzzzzz.

Le Sigh.

Today, something has taken the wind out of my sails. And i will not talk about it here.

What Utter Rubbish.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Moleskine!

Hoy, Vera esta una persona muy felicidad. (Today, Vera is a very happy person.)

Although her feet and her shoulders hurt from lugging a great lump of a bag all around campus, and despite the fact that she might not be advancing in her school career for the stupidest reasons, and even despite the fact that the prospect of a whole essay stares her in the face and blocks out the sun, she finds joy in the smallest details. For one, she is chock full of soy chai latte without water. For two, she just bought a Moleskine daily planner which is now sitting on her desk looking very cool. And for three, she now has a place to write all her homework and other silly things like that so that last minute panic will not ensue. It almost makes organizing all worthwhile! *hugs self*

Moleskine is the legendary notebook, used by European artists and thinkers for the past two centuries, from Van Gogh to Picasso, from Ernest Hemingway to Bruce Chatwin. This trusty pocket-size travel companion held sketches, notes, stories and ideas before they were turned into famous images or pages of beloved books.

I'm not going to keep the book nice and clean and scratch-free. It will look very used by the end of this year.

www.moleskine.com

I like Vincent's msn name:

Want to scream, want to sing, want to run, want to get drunk, want to go back, want to be 12, want to smash cake. Want to see you .

I Believe in Heaven. I Believe in God Above.

The title is from a song we used to sing in choir when i was in sec 1. I sing it to myself sometimes just for singing's sake or if my mouth needs something to do. But there are times when i sing it because i fully and sincerely mean it. The grace of God is so evident. I dont understand how or why. And i most definitely do not deserve it.

I need 6 credits of English ie. 2 courses in two years to be promoted to 3rd year. If not, i stay at second year until the next year they are doing an assessment, no questions asked. This means, i now have to take one this term and one in the summer, and even then i am not guaranteed consideration for advancement into 3rd year because the assess grades for promotion in May which is before summer. The 100 level courses for this term were all full when last i checked, and it was only after i went to the First Year English Advisor and explained my predicament that they agreed to squish me somewhere after telling me very sternly that it was very late, and why didnt you come earlier?, all the classes are very full you know. Oh man thank God i have a place. I was in quite a panic.

And now i have a 2 to 4 page essay to hand in by next tuesday. This, i think, is a small price to pay for having a place in the course and being saved from the jaws of a very dramatic tragedy, that would have involved uncontrollable wailing.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Boo.

I am le dead. I very cleverly just found out that i need 6 credits of English to promote to 3rd year. How is it that i didnt pick this up earlier?? And now all the 100 level English courses are bloody full. ALL. I is no understanding, yah? Okay, fine, i is understand. Everyone needs 100 level English courses. What i'm trying to say is. NOT FAIR!

Again, fine. Fair. I should have known better.

I'm going to have such an English-filled summer. Let's all let out a very unenthusiastic yahoo.

Curse of the Golden Flower.

Oh sad, sad movie. The world can be so ugly when absolute power is involved and up for grabs. And it shocked me how such evil can be harboured in a person without killing him. What really happens inside these people? I'd say their souls shrivel up and leave them, and the all evil in the world takes it's place.

When all's said and done, i still want to be empress. Just so i can wear all that gold crap.

I am Terribly Humbled.

I just watched Girls Get Loud on YouTube at Mary's house. It was funny for a time, then it just got very embarrassing to see the little faults of Singapore flow so freely like that. And represented, no less, by the queen of cannot make it, Xiaxue. Why are we proclaiming and hence perpetuating kiasuness? Why, why, do we want to watch Xiaxue fail at everything she attempts? And why, oh why, does being a famous blogger justify your bad acting to be splashed all over national television with such gay abandon?

Why the show chooses to highlight things like poor diction, petty bitch fights, lining up for free gifts just because it's free, and the inability of Singaporean men to deliver a decent marriage proposal, as "The Singapore Culture" is quite beyond me.

I am le baffled.

It's because of things like these that whenever i exalt Singapore and praise it to high heaven, there's a small person at the back of my head that points and laughs and says "Yeah right."

And really? Singaporean men propose like that? By asking their girlfriends if they want to move into a HDB flat with them? Really? Woe to the man who tries to pull this one on me. I will, firstly, look at him like something started growing out of his nose. Secondly, look him point blank in the eyes and say No, please try again.

I Have Thursdays Off!

My hair's been falling out, i dont know why. Tons of it just falls when i wash my hair (which is everyday, thank you) and it's been going on for about 2 months now. And in case you dont know, i cannot afford to anyhow throw my hair around unlike Bean. If you pulled out half Bean's hair, she would still look the same. If this goes on i'm going to have none (oh the horror), and already my hair feels substantially less. I asked the doctor about it when i went to see him about a flu and he said it was probably due to stress but gave me a recommendation to have my thyroids and ferritin in my blood tested at the lab. Since i'm under no stress whatsoever right now (lalala) my educated conclusion is that the hair loss is not stress related.

I just went for the blood test at the lab in the hospital where they drew 3 vials of liver-red blood from a vein in my arm. It's throbbing now. I have a morbid fascination with blood filling the vial. Fun to watch thats all. Nothing weird. Or vampire-ish.

Also, i went necessity shopping. Necessity shopping is where you go to a pharmacy or supermarket and buy things that you actually need, and you dont have to feel guilty at all. That is why, i feel a sense of accomplishment at this moment. That is why, i can use my credit card to pay. And that is why, papa should not freak out when he sees that i bought $45.00 worth of stuff.

All needed i heartily assure you. I is no lying.

Holy Crap.

It has dawned on me that i turn 20 this year.

Oh

My

Goodness.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Okay it might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but i have always thought of the twenties as a time when you grow up, become sensible, pay your own bills and wear stockings to work. Oh man i dont want to pay my own bills! I want to be a teenager still! I'm not done playing! NOT DONE!

Damn it! 20 is so OLD. It starts with a 2!!! i've never started with a 2 before! And as far as i remember, i very enthusiastically started with a 1, since, you know, at 9 you cant wait to grow up and pay your own bills and wear stockings. 20 is just too old.

Life should stop at 19.

The Breaking Of The Fellowship (In Dreams)

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again

by Edward Ross

I Left My Heart in San Francisco.

(As written on 6 Jan 2007)

I have been very lazy and let the pictures do the talking these days. Well thats because i dont have computer time, since there's only Bean's laptop here (and Bean is addicted to the internet. Yes, we can conclude that she is a geek. teehee.) and the house computer is always being used.

I love San Francisco. Yesterday was girls day out. We travelled all the way there and around the city on public transport. Their equivalent of the MRT is called the BART (Bay Area R-Something Transport) and we took that to downtown San Francisco. It happened to be a very beautifully sunny day - blue skies, white fluffy clouds, the trees singing in birds. It also happened to be a very blustery morning. And incidentally, i had decided that it would be prudent to wear a short dress to town, you know, for fun. Haha, i almost died walking from the car to the BART station when Uncle Tey dropped us off. It was sooooo cold, and i knew i wouldnt last the day in that piece of cloth, considering my legs were practically naked, if i didnt find leggings or something to prevent the lower half of my body from being freeze dried. So the first thing i did when we got off the train was go into Abercrombie and Fitch to get skinny jeans on sale for 30 bucks (which reminds me i owe Auntie Tey 30 bucks). Shopping is always an auspicious start to anything, and of course, the rest of the day was wonderful.

After a series of public transport messes and other such things, we arrived at a park called Alamo Square. Apparently movies shot in San Fran. always have a scene in there, owing to the marvellous view of the city and the neighbouring Painted Ladies. Now, as exciting as it sounds, Painted Ladies are not really ladies who have been painted and put on permanent exhibition. They are exquistely restored Victorian houses standing in a pretty, colourful row. Then we were off toFillmore St. in Pacific Heights, an uptown area where there was more shopping to be done, and some bagels to eat.




On Polk St., 18 very fresh oysters with lemon juice and Tobasco sauce were slurped up appreciatively by 7 women. Some more than others. Ahem. Burp.




One of the highlights of our little journey was standing on the edge of a ledge, hanging on with frozen fingers to the famous cable cars of San Francisco, while it zoomed up and down the steep, steep streets, wind blowing in hair, losing feeling in my ears. Lombard Street is the world's crookedest street. Winding down a hill in a pretty red bricked line, it is positively one of the prettiest things i've seen. For lack of a better photo, see one that i stole off somewhere. The houses along there are a major cause of jealousy.



Now i dont know why this thing has decided to continue in bold lettering. Well, too bad for it cos i dont feel like typing anymore. bleh.

Minor complaint: Left to its own devices, my hair has decided to mat in the wind. And hence, permanent tangles.

The Tey Family is Very Funny.

Circumstance 1:
Bean and Mother Tey went to get their hair cut today at SuperCuts in Berkeley. For $13.95 a cut, it's not surprising that both came out very unhappy. And rather justifiably so.

Father Tey (to Mother Tey): How come you look like Sir Lancelot?!

Circumstance 2:
Today is crazy-do-a-lot-of-laundry day. After folding clothes,

Mother Tey: WHO BELONGS TO THESE PANTIES???

Thingythings.