Oh Orchard Road.

My lousy chem and bio papars have inspired me to study very hard for calculus. =) I dont care i better feel good about this paper man. I will not let this mar my beautiful Christmas2005. Oh Orchard Road how i long to see thy lights! Pam was saying today that North Americans talk about the weirdest, most out of point, irrelavant things. And i must say i cannot agree more. At last the mystery is solved. Now i know why i'm better friends with people like Pam and Mahshad than with other (white or non-immigrant) people on my floor. I guess its a culture difference thingy. Ah well. Okay i am now going to watch Chocolat again. That is an awesome movie please. All go and watch it now!

Sonnet XVII (I Do Not Love You)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. Pablo Neruda AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SO NICE!!! Mother thinks its only excellent for people in love. Well i dont think so. HMPH.

The Sudden Outburst.

Hmph. I realise that inspiration for writing in my blog only comes when i'm intensely happy or acutely sad. Like because right now i am neither, no steady flow of prose is flowing from my fingertips, no exploding ideas make their way onto the computer screen. I blame this watered-down feeling to my five "cheer-inspiring" exams. Its spoiling my perfect Christmas picture too. Grumph. Oh dear. I realise that my past few posts have been whiny, angst-ridden, ungrateful ones. I shall now leave those behind and concentrate on happy events. Somehow i tend to focus on things that are unfavourable, and that blinds me to the happy, light-hearted experiences i've had. Not so good. I went for cell group today! I'm glad. These people are so nice. Also, if Jennifer had not asked me to meet her at William's Coffee Pub i wouldnt have found out that that place is so marvelous. As is the dark deluxe hot chocolate after a can-freeze-you-to-a-fossil walk there from residence. The Pub is just like a regular pub but selling coffee instead of beer, and without the stench of stale ciggarettes and presence of dodgy corners in which dogdy characters carry out their dodgy deeds. OHO. This reminds me of the line from Love Actually by the slutty girl who was out to bed her boss. "Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds." Yah. That was of no relavence whatsoever to cell group i know. Oh i also found out that Vida, my crazy (but then again most Africans are crazy) but nice neighbour in Linden Hall, goes to that same cell! I'm rather pleased! In cell we talked about being a woman of excellence. Proverbs 31:10 says a virtuous woman is hard to find; she is worth more than rubies. And virtuous actually means excellent. So God wants us to be not just of noble character, but to be excellent in whatever we do. Being excellent just means the best that you can possibly be, doing something to the best of your full ability. He's not interested in whether you are the topdog of your career, or the highest achiever in school. If you are, well and good. But rather, he is concerned only that you accomplished what you did by putting in your absolute best, be it a C or an A. I also know that i did not put in my absolute best into preparing for my exams, especially chem and bio. I know i can get at the very least an 85 for those exams if only i did excellently in preparing for them (which, duh, i didnt). So thats something for me to think about for the new year eh. Okay now. Its 3.15am and i'm definately wilting. Plus i have to pee. Ohoh! I talked to Nat Tang on msn just now. =) I love her. And also i have to say, I miss Olie a whole lot too. I feel like squishing her. =) And I'm sorry i'm not as close to her as i would like to be, and i'm not there to help her in her crazy teenage years. It makes me sad to think of it. Cos thats what sisters are for, really. And i really want to be there for her. AH MOI IF YOURE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH OKAY?! AND I'M ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED ME!!! The end.

Oh my... theres quite a party going on on my blog eh. Haiyo. The past few days have been hectic i must say. What with my angsty rantings to Bean, Jess, Papa and Nash, bawling into my pillow and wearing my mind to nothing. See the regression thing has become a reality. And thats doing nothing for my exam preparation please! I cant concentrate or shit. Papa is right. Boys are nuisances during exam time. So much so i havent had the time nor the mood to blog shit. I actually feel like shopping on Bloor Street. Haha. I realise i'm too tired to think of stuff to blog about. So i shall just take up space by putting a poem. Oh help this is sad. I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance." The night wind whirls in the sky and sings. I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. On nights like this, I held her in my arms. I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her. How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. To hear the immense night, more immense without her. And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass. What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her. The night is full of stars and she is not with me. That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.My soul is lost without her. As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her. My heart searches for her and she is not with me. The same night that whitens the same trees. We, we who were, we are the same no longer. I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her. My voice searched the wind to touch her ear. Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once belonged to my kisses. Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. Love is so short and oblivion so long. Because on nights like this I held her in my arms, my soul is lost without her. Although this may be the last pain she causes me, and this may be the last poem I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

RETARDO.

sábado, diciembre 03, 2005

RETARDO.

Oh my... theres quite a party going on on my blog eh. Haiyo. The past few days have been hectic i must say. What with my angsty rantings to Bean, Jess, Papa and Nash, bawling into my pillow and wearing my mind to nothing. See the regression thing has become a reality. And thats doing nothing for my exam preparation please! I cant concentrate or shit. Papa is right. Boys are nuisances during exam time. So much so i havent had the time nor the mood to blog shit. I actually feel like shopping on Bloor Street. Haha. I realise i'm too tired to think of stuff to blog about. So i shall just take up space by putting a poem. Oh help this is sad. I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance." The night wind whirls in the sky and sings. I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. On nights like this, I held her in my arms. I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her.How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. To hear the immense night, more immense without her. And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass. What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her. The night is full of stars and she is not with me. That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away. My soul is lost without her. As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her. My heart searches for her and she is not with me. The same night that whitens the same trees. We, we who were, we are the same no longer. I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her. My voice searched the wind to touch her ear. Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once belonged to my kisses. Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. Love is so short and oblivion so long. Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,my soul is lost without her. Although this may be the last pain she causes me,and this may be the last poem I write for her. Pablo Neruda Ohhhhhh... SobSOBSOBSOBSOB...

This is an email i sent to jessie. I'm copying and pasting this because i'm too lazy to type more stuff. And this is about what i would say anyway. i'm so annoyed with myself. i keep saying retarded things i think he thinks i'm such a weirdo la. i bet he will like change his mind and think i'm just some stupid kid. help. im so stressed now. everytime he talks to me i just HAVE to blank out. WHY CANT I BE COOL??? but no... i have to zonk out and say the most stupid thing possible. i dont understand why. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! like cos last night he knocked on my door to ask if i got my bowl back. i hadnt. but i was so shocked to see him i just stopped thinking i think. i dont remember much but i think i gave him the impression that i was mad at him or something cos he gave me this funny look before he left. i was so upset at my behaviour i just sat on the floor and stoned for like 5 mins. plus somemore i just did my laundry and the dryer sucks so i hung my clothes all over the room to dry them. (heng i kept my undies already). AIYO I HAD SOCKS ON MY LAMP LA!!! and a giant bedsheet hung across one wall. OOOOOOHHHHHHH... DIE LA... I'LL NEVER GET MARRIED!!! BNIWXSDBJNFDBNWEUIBDWJDBEWOFIQ~!!!! HURUMPH!!! isnt that so totally annoying?? i want to tell him that i'm not mad at all. cos i feel so bad and its killing me. bleaugh. -soft sad meep. i dont understand why the only thing i can do is blush and say silly things. AAAHHHHHHH!!! and you know how blushy i get. esp now i'm so fair its even worse. i bet i radiate infra red. pfft. BLOODYHELL! Yesterday our floor hosted this Christmas party for less fortunate kids. We cooked grilled cheese, rice krispies, cupcakes, let them do crafts, taught them the concept of caring, sharing and giving, and let them take pictures with Santa (aka adam). AIYOOO and they were all so cute!!! i hope they had a good time. Theyre mostly from broken homes kind of thing, and Ankita heard this kid saying that being here was so much better than being at home, and she didnt know what to say. I love my floor. They are good people and i;m so glad papa complained about my basement room in Edwards Hall and had me moved up here. They all mixed with the kids and helped them do crafts and stuff. I thought it was all rather heartwarming. haha. As for me, i helped decorate, helped smear icing on rice krispies, helped serve grilled cheese, anything but deal with kids. I dont do kids man. I'm scared. hehh. I have no idea what to say to them!!! I was joined my Mike who shared the same opinion as me. So we wandered around taking pictures and laughing at people with Becca. It was all in all a happy experience. I found a channel showing a chinese show yesterday and i made everyone in the common room watch. It was one of those ancient china kind of shows. I love tht kind. HAHA!!! I LOVE CHINESE!!! Everyone was rather annoyed at me, and started annoying me back by pretending to speak chinese. hahaha. They sounded like birds. GO ASIA!